A New Threat

The weather may be cold and snowy in this part of the world, but in China and Thailand, there is a definite steaminess in the air. With this steaminess comes a new threat on the Internet. It’s probably hit your computer by now, but in case you haven’t heard, today ushered in a new era: The Era of Panda Porn.

Apparently male pandas in captivity have extremely low sex drives, and as a result, zoo’s were having difficultly getting pandas to procreate. The crafty Chinese came up with a solution: show them porn. It works, and the captive panda population is growing, but the left of the world is left with the havoc created by the phenomena.

Only hours after the news story broke on CCN, it was revealed that Chinese officials had secretly released the explicit sex tapes to foreign interests. Within minutes these videos were posted on several thousand internet porn sites. According to SeXXXTracker, an adult web hosting monitoring service, “panda” is now the number one query in most adult search engines, surpassing “midgets” and even “Paris Hilton”. I myself received an email not an hour ago telling me how I could meet “single, hot, sexy female pandas” in my local area.

Reports from major porn studios in the USA and Germany show that production on more mainstream porn videos starring pandas has already started. Movies with such titles as “Pound-a-Bear”, “The Panda Sutra”, and “Ling Ling Does Dallas” are scheduled for release by weeks end. Amateur sex tapes showing Paris Hilton, Pamela Anderson, and Kobi Bryant, all with panda bear in sometimes explicit and compromising situations, have already showed up in internet forums and chat rooms across the world. (Follow this link to the Kobi/Ling Ling video).

My advice to parents of minors is to install good adult content control software on your computer, ensuring that the words “panda”, “bamboo shoots”, and “Chinese zoo’s” are all blocked from un-registered consumption. In addition, I strongly recommend monitoring your child’s internet viewing habits, as panda pornographers are sneaky, often predatory, in exposing their filthy images. In short, be vigilant. We MUST protect the children.